Sex and Cancer

08/12/2014

Big thank you to Tania for plying me with wine after a visit to GP today to talk about sex.  It's one of those taboo subjects that doesn't get talked about when going through cancer.  Now I am out the other side we thought yay, it's all go.  But unfortunately not.  So if you don't want to know, stop reading now.  You know I am all about education so here goes...

The hormone pill I am on thins the vagina wall which makes for painful sex.  I can change to another hormone pill that thickens the lining of the uterus but can cause cancer. I can also have an estrogen cream which may help but has to be limited to six weeks as we don't want this to produce estrogen and feed any cancer.  The GP asked me is sex important to us, if so, then it is quality of life I am looking at.  He rang my oncologist and the above is what they could come up with.  If this doesn't help then where to from here.  So cancer is teaching me something else now and throwing me off centre.  You think when you have breast cancer it's all about the boobs, but alas no.

I came home to Wayne and the darling just said we will learn about different intimacy and loving.  Gotta love this guy.  He is being very patient.  When I was undergoing chemo they gave a suggestion not to have sex for three days after treatment.  We waited five days and still Wayne got chemo burns/welts in and on his private parts so something to consider...

So another lesson today...Do I want to die for sex...I don't think so!  

Emotional Treatment

25/11/2014

I have wanted to put 'pen to paper' for a few weeks now but felt that once treatment had finished, I more or less closed the Facebook blog, thinking those of you who read my blog had seen me get through it and that was enough.

When I finished radiation on 3/11/2014 I was ready to get back to normality and naively thought I could get back into work and just put the past 10 months behind me.  What I found instead was that I was looking over my shoulder asking myself the question "What just happened these last 10 months"?

I headed off to work and did the first week full time only to feel like a little old lady by the weekend, spending a lot of it in bed sleeping.

This was not my expectation because I had gotten through treatment pretty good compared to so many others around me.  This wasn't  me, this wasn't how it was meant to go now. I'm done and dusted. Sure, I will feel a bit tired, but not like a truck has mowed me down.

So I headed to the cancer counsellor and cancer nurse for some answers/solutions.  The counsellor said "Andrea, you need to learn to breathe, just breathe".  So of course I did and thought wow, I can do more now and so I did.

Then my cancer nurse sent me literature on different ailments after treatment but nothing new there.  The pertinent one for me was how to manage fatigue which I thought I was doing.

So I proceeded to carry on full tit (excuse the pun) only to fall in a big heap at the weekend which honestly shocked me.  I didn't realise I could feel that tired.  Thankfully I had Jan, my sister, explain in plain language about how I had to slow down, how I wasn't being fair to my body or to the doctors who had taken care of me.  I also had Mum's nurturing to get me back on my feet.

Therefore I have come to the slow realisation I am going to have to adapt to 'me' time.  I am so good at giving out, that I don't know how to give to myself.  

This therefore is my new quest.  If I don't, I am worried the cancer will come back, so I have to give myself a fighting chance to keep those cancer cells from regenerating and that is what I intend to do - take a breath and take time out.

Really, this is a continuation of the treatment plan.  When I take a step back and acknowledge that the medical treatment it is over, I now have to undertake emotional treatment for me.  This part of the cancer experience is probably more emotional than I can express here and something I have to figure out for myself. I might share with you at some stage but for now I am going to do some reflecting on how this 'me' time is going to look.  

I welcome any ideas.

For the time being, Hazel is filled with gas and is ready and waiting, and the road stretches out before me...

The end is nigh

30/10/2014

"Tears are words from the heart that can't be spoken"

It is my last night at the Lions Cancer Lodge in Hamilton. The last five weeks have flown by.

I have met amazing people from all walks of life courageously getting on with the business of being treated for cancer.

Of note at the Lodge, which is a fantastic asset and God-send to those going through this process of being away from home, we have all been treated equally regardless of race, colour or financial means. 

I am grateful of the support of fellow lodgers who will talk honestly and share their experiences about Cancer till the cows come home. We always, always managed to laugh - always!

At the lodge a volunteer comes in and
does our nails for a gold coin donatio

The radiation medical team have treated me with compassion and kindness. I was known as the 'special one' (due to some body parts that had to be strategically placed). They always made the experience a good one.

All in all I have been truly blessed.

Now I need to regain and rebuild strength - both physical and emotional and take the time to reflect, putting the experience of cancer in its right place in my life. For months, it has dominated, been in control. Now is time to begin the long, slow process of putting it in the right box in my life - not forgetting about it, not denying its importance or power, not pretending it didn't happen, but getting on with where my life left off some 10 months ago.

If I have learnt anything, anything at all, it is this.  
- I am strong, stronger than I ever, ever thought I was and faith was a major reason for this
- I have an amazing supportive husband who deserves 'Husband of the Year' title
- I never want to forget the kindness of others, this has been overwhelming.

Time for me and Greg to head home

Bless you friends and family, and prayer warriors, and colleagues who have been there for me and Wayne, Luke  and Christine  It's been a hell of a learning curve and through it all God has been right there with us, carrying us and teaching us to never give up the faith.

Kia Kaha (thanks to my sister-in-law Annie - It is so true).

Boo Bead for Breast Cancer

The NZ Breast Cancer Foundation have released this item to highlight breast cancer awareness.
- The 2mm size bead is the smallest cancer found by regular mammogram
- The 14.5mm size bead is the average size of cancer found by regular mammogram
- The 22mm size bead is the average size of lump found by a woman checking her breasts.
I found mine at 30mm.

I have attached this 'bling boo bead' to my handbag and have had so many opportunities of late to educate other women with this tool as an example.

Fire Fire!

23/10/2014

Remember I said I was nominated as Fire Warden the second day I arrived?  Well last night I got to put grasp the role with both hands and run with it.

At 4.40am I was woken to "Brrrrr brrrr brrrr, this is not a drill.  Please evacuate the building and await instructions".  

I jumped out of bed in my pretty floral nightie and hightailed it to the reception area.  I had been given instructions at my induction to go to the reception area if the alarm went to see if it was for real.  By the way, the reception is a wee way away.  I would hope to smell smoke by the time I got there.

On arriving, Tim from Taupo (father of Michelle Taylor) was coming out from his hallway, nicely attired I must say, in his dressing gown.  

The night attendant was flying, yes flying, in another direction yelling "Get everyone out".  

"Right" says Tim "let's get our gear".  Off we go to the rack to get our bag of equipment - cap, vest, torch.  Nicola (ex Taupo) the other floor warden (3 wings to the lodge) arrives and we disperse to our wings, knocking on doors and shouting instructions to evacuate, not knowing if someone was in a room or not.

Me in fire warden get-up

People started coming out from all directions - some had time to get dressed. I managed to pass my room and grab some trackies to put on.

Ten minutes and the alarm went off.  "False alarm" says the night attendant.  Tim informs us he couldn't smell smoke, so we thought she was right.

Back to bed, 10 minutes later off the alarm goes off again.  Out I climb only to be told false alarm.

At 6.38am off the alarm goes again. By this time my trackies are ready and waiting.  Once again false alarm.

Great excitement of chatter over breakfast only to find two 'perished' as they didn't have their hearing aids in and didn't hear the knock on the door.  Oops.

So much for telling the new lodgers how lovely and peaceful this place is.  They got a rude awakening.

So who got to work early today? Moi!

Some of the lodgers arrived at oncology clinic today to oh no, another fire evacuation!    What's going on we wonder.

Husband of the Year 2014

17/10/2014

Today is Wayne's last day at BP after four years working there.  He is off to work at the music shop in the RockShop in Rotorua as Assistant Manager. He so deserves this.  Music is his passion and it will be like "going home" to his rightful vocation.  BP Taupo have been fantastic in their support this year and I can't thank them enough for this.

I am so proud of my husband.  He is the reason  I have travelled so well with this whole cancer experience. 

He relates his part as being like the coach of a soccer team.  He can get me ready, tell me how to play, encourage me and send me off for the first half. I'll come back in battered and bruised and ready for oranges, then once again  he will send me back out with encouragement.  He will always be on the side line, shouting words of encouragement, but he can't actually play the game. That is up to me. I may win or lose but regardless I know I have had the best of the best by my side.

Love you Wayne Cornwall and thank you for stepping up and working with me, never judging or criticising, just letting me do what I have to do in my way

Radiation Take Off

10/10/2014

How good was it this afternoon at 12.45pm to drive up over the hill and see Lake Taupo and the mountains before me.  I know I haven't been incarcerated but on the drive home I actually noticed the blue sky, the pine trees, the Friesian cows (when I wasn't overtaking everything in front of me.  Hazel handled nicely.  Pure bliss to get a hug from Wayne (and a purr from Hugo who is sitting at my feet as I write this).

I was not looking forward to being away from home and Wayne.  I will be honest and say I thought I might have a heart attack on the radiation treatment bed because the cancer that was in my breast was over the top of my heart.  So knowing my luck, but hey, here I am.

I have started on my hormone meds Letrasole and the odd hot flush has started. Had nothing like this went I went through my menopause.  My period just stopped in December 2012 and no symptoms at all.  Now I am feeling the heat.

The treatment is going well.  There was no need to worry.  The staff have accommodated me so well by scheduling my appointments about 3pm most days so I leave from work about 1ish, grab a yummy sandwich from Countdown next door to the station, eat in the car park and then head to the hospital.  

Remembering my floor and colour of where I have parked Hazel is a test each day.  It's a bit like the movie Groundhog Day - what floor am I on today C10 blue or C7 Orange?   I am now helping others when they get in the lifts to where they need to go.  With those puzzled looks on their faces, you just have to help.

When I arrive at reception I hand in my yellow appointment card for the Yellow Machine.  I then have my own personal blue gown ready for me.  It's blue tops for breast radiation and blue bottoms for prostrate.

It takes a good half hour to measure me up to be in the right placement on the bed. I have a block on my diaphragm that is lined up with a camera in the ceiling.  That way they can see my breathing on their screen at their workstation and when I have reached the mark, they can zap away.  They set the measurements, the staff then leave and you hear the doorbell ringing as they make their way down to their safe haven behind screens.  

Then a voice comes over the microphone "Deep breath when you're ready and hold".  Now it is a wee bit tricky remembering how much breath you took in when they measured you but 95% of the time I hit the mark. I hold my breath for 22 seconds and then 7 seconds while they do the clavicle area, then 7 seconds and 3 seconds, then a change to the lymph nodes between my breasts and have a 12 second burst and then another 3 seconds.  Then that's it.   "And relax".  As I say the longest part is measuring up.  I am the only one they are treating using the breathing technique at present.  Trust me to be special.  Hence we are hoping for goggles and technology to catch up next week.

Then it's back to the car park and the right floor, and a bit of the 'Italian Job' as I drive down the ramps.  Because Hazel is so compact, I can zoom down, much to the horror of oncoming traffic.  Only had one lady yell abuse!

Back at the lodge it's time for a zzzz before tea.  Dinner has been veges, beef, pork or chicken; dessert is cheesecake, chocolate mousse and fruit.  Time to stop the desserts I think.  

We all tend to find a free seat and join a table.  It is so liberating to talk about life and death, and what cancer we each have, how each one has had cancer discovered, what treatments they are having.  Many have had accidents (eg. falling of a bike, changing a lightbulb and falling of chair, hit in the chest with a ball to name a few) and then found they have cancer.  If they hadn't had the accident it could have been too late.  What does surprise me though is how many wander off down to the gate for their smoke, yes, they are still smoking.  

There are a few common phrases that we all agreed we didn't want to hear again and the number 1 phrase is...dah dah..."Just stay positive, you'll be fine".  

It's impossible to stay positive all the time and I can't.  Do you think all those cancer patients who are now dead thought negatively?  I didn't cause it by negative thinking, by eating too many potato chips when I was 12, by sitting in the sun, or by not exercising.  It just happened for me due to menopause.  I can be positive in spirit but that won't cure my cancer.  Neither will being negative kill me.  It's not my fault. Never deny a cancer patient reality, whether you agree with it or not.  When all else fails, what do you say to a person who has cancer?  "I'm sorry".  Just a handy hint I needed to share that has come out of this week.

I just have to say I was "appreciated" twice this week, one by a kerb crawler n Hamilton and one at The Vine...must be the grey hair!!  

So I'm home now for the weekend.  I must rest up, take things quietly.  Better get that tattooed somewhere I think.

My happy place to remind me of home

Friends in Trouble

06/10/2014

Since I left home yesterday the last thing Wayne said to me was "Remember, you are having this treatment to give you life".

As I sat in the radiation waiting room - this was my view...stark, non inviting (though who would want to be invited) and sterile.  The only peep of colour is as shown.

And here is where they are hopefully giving my life back.

Today I got two phone calls: one from a colleague with a husband and three wee children, the other from a close friend (I am second mother to her daughter and she cared for Luke while I worked).  They have both been diagnosed with breast cancer.  I am absolutely gutted for them both.  Cancer is just so random.  These are two people who watch what they eat, fit, healthy, good people...

One is waiting for chemo before the op, the other final biopsy of lymph nodes.

If anything constructive has come out of my diagnosis and blogs, it is these two women being open to communication and reading just one person's journey, that they have become aware of their own bodies and what it is doing.  Hopefully they will have a good outcome.

I can see that I am going to be needed for a bit longer yet in some capacity or another in helping these two on their journey.

On a brighter note, am at the Cancer lodge and having a laugh.  We are all in the same boat so we can talk about what ails is quite openly and frankly.  Highly entertaining so far.

Yellow Machine

02/10/2014

 Wayne came into the treatment room today and got an explanation of how they are administering the radiation.   
Got to take a pic of the mean machine!  

Like something out of sci-fi movie. It whizzes around me into 

position and then red and green light beams criss-cross me.

I get to try out goggles tomorrow to help me see what the 

radiographers see when I take a deep breath and hold so I'm 

not guessing each time what the line is I have to reach to 

hold. 

A new thing and I am the lucky guinea pig.

Medical team are lovely once again. I have three working on

 me with mathematical precision. It is all a science way 

beyond me.

Stage 3 Begins

26/09/2014

I felt rather sad today to be leaving my workplace for the next five weeks, embarking on stage 3 of the four part cancer process.  This time I will be flying solo, so to speak.  

I love my job and the people I work with, so to say goodbye was quite hard and a bit weird.  I didn't think I would feel like that.  I guess if I was going on an overseas holiday, it would all be exciting and adventurous and everyone would be excited for me.  Can't say this derives the same feeling.  I should turn it all into a positive and look at this stage as another part of the cure from cancer and the adventure in it will be meeting new people at the Cancer Lodge - will have to work on that thought!

During chemo I had the constant support of Wayne and my colleagues when I got to work.  They would send me home if I looked too worse for wear or bolster me up with humour and compassion.  So going to miss that, but I'm guessing that's where the community spirit of the lodge comes in again.

Thanks for the hugs, workmates, before I left!  Really appreciate them.

So from next week I foresee I have to rely on myself and lean on God that much more. 

I am nervous, I have to admit, just as I was with chemo.  Once I got started on chemo though I then knew roughly what to expect each time.  I'm hoping radiation goes as smoothly as chemo did for me, and that I am going to be able to still work each day from the station in Hamilton.  Time will tell how much tiredness has a part to play.

So tomorrow we go to Waikato Hospital for more planning - make sure the beams line up - and then treatment on Wednesday.

Hazel, Greg (the alpaca), Wayne and I are looking forward to a few days in the 'Tron.

Check out this beautiful blossom from outside my house today.  Just had to share it with you.

Will keep you posted on stage 3...