I have been asked lately where is my blog, seems like some of you are missing my ramblings in the cancer world. All I can really say is that this stretch is mentally challenging.
Thanks to some time out at the beach, anti depressants, a wine now and again, and Luke and Christine being there for me when I spiral downward, this trip is harder. The waiting...the when, the if, the uncertainty...all challenging and I'm not really that happy about it.
Isn't it strange that given something physical, like physical treatment of chemo and radiation, that when it stops, it feels like the safety net has gone. The hormone pills are taken daily but who knows if they are doing their job. So I've gained 3kg and I have spots, but I'm going to carry on with them.
It is now three months since I was told 'when not if' and it isn't any easier as I sit here today. I spiral downwards when I'm alone or get over tired. I'm waiting for that ache or something to appear. My body feels odd, just odd, and I can't put my finger on it. Is is psychosomatic or is something really occurring within my body...I'm anxious waiting. Will there come a day when I'm not anxious and I can breathe a sigh of relief.
My mum has been really ill with septicaemia these last 10 days. Sitting with her in hospital and watching her decline and then improve has been a roller coaster. My sister Jan and husband Rob have been there every step of the way with Mum. I am so grateful that they are there for her and have her best interests at heart. And for Mum's grandchildren and great grandchild to visit gave her such a lift.
But I want my Mum, I want to be able to pick up the phone and tell her anything and everything. I can't imagine her not being here. At one point, when I was told this time round 'when not if', she said to be "We'll go together". That's how Mum is. She would do anything for her children.
So I get fatigued - yes I had a kip on the office floor last week - but I'm doing my best to earn a living, pay the bills and have a coffee out at the weekend. Life is simple. It has to be. Thank goodness I can live vicariously with work stories through my headphones at work.
I am being challenged spiritually. It has waned somewhat and I don't know why. But I'm not going to fret. There are so many out there who are praying for me and others like me. I think I am tired of trying so hard.
So that's it in a nutshell. I'm still here, still working, sleeping, eating and driving Hazel with my foot to the floor. So glad we got her when we did. She is FUN.
