"No evidence of distal metastases" - that's what the report says.
So let me tell you what it's been like living the last six months in my world - I thought I was dying. Whether the oncologist was right in telling me, in his expert opinion, the cancer would be back within six months was right or wrong, that's debatable. For the most part though, I wanted to know. And he was predicting by my past results so I understand where he was coming from. In hindsight, 3 hours after the news today, I'm glad he did because I have learnt a lot about myself in the process.
So the oncology team changed the hormone meds to Tamoxofin and I started that journey of relying on a medication to keep me alive. And it's done its job. No changing my diet, exercising more, positive thinking or praying hard out (though I know I have been lifted up and supported by so many who didn't give up on me when I was too spiritually exhausted to go there). No, I left it up to good old fashioned medication. But all the time I thought in the back of my mind I was dying. So I put on the brave face; I kept that stiff upper lift for all appearances until I was in the confines of my own home. No one will see the "scared Andrea".
Today, when I got the report saying no evidence of cancer, I honestly couldn't believe it. I was expecting a call to have an MRI. So I went into shock - physically, I had a meltdown. You would think I would be jumping for joy and smiles and celebrations. Um no, I went into meltdown mode. I cried on my colleague's shoulder, I cried on my son's shoulder and then cried some more and then slept my grief off. See if you can understand it this way...
You have been sentenced to death and you are on Death Row and then your lawyer appeals and you get a reprieve while the appeal is heard. This is me today. This the only way I can explain how I felt today, right there and then I had been given "a reprieve".
My body will still struggle with the meds side effects and fatigue. It will still be mending itself for the next 18 months, they say, from the operation and treatment. But I will now embrace this without the thought that my body is giving up. It hasn't been giving up; it's been fighting to live and I owe it that much to get my mind on the same wavelength.
So I will now do cartwheels and hand stands (and well God damn it, if it was summer a certain someone and I would be skinny dipping). In fact I might just walk to the shop and buy a bottle of Kim Crawford Pinot Gris.
Thank you so much for taking the time to read my story. I know it isn't always easy reading but I'm not big on denial. If I can help someone else through my words, then that gives me purpose.
Thank you to all of those who have not given up on me. It is honestly really hard listening to people say "You'll be fine" when you are living it, but to those of you who said it...you were right!
I'm now going to make plans for a holiday; one with no cancer looming over me. It's been a long time coming.
