This photo popped up on my Facebook timeline yesterday to remind me where I was this time last year. I took one look at that photo and I sighed (and cried inside) because I look at that photo and think that I looked so much better then, which is silliness because I was in the thick of chemo treatment. I see light in my eyes, a smile, colour,; I see vibrancy, I was in control of this.
But a year on I think I look worse today than this photo. I feel my heart is heavy. Have I commenced another stage in the grieving process?
I'm trying to work out if I fit the mould of 'stages of grief'. Researching them today, I am pretty confident I have experienced all these, but not necessarily in this order:
- denial
- anger
- bargaining
- sadness
- acceptance
'Sadness' seems to be ticking the box (definition: Confronting cancer and the losses it entails understandably leads to great sadness. You may have trouble sleeping and concentrating, you may lack your usual energy, or you may find yourself crying unexpectedly. These are normal reactions, but will you ever climb out of your darkness? Speaking with a professional counselor or participating in a support group can help.).
To be re-diagnosed in February and a probable recurrence sentence of 6 months placed on my shoulders, has hit me hard, harder than many will realise. I am literally still dragging my body around, knowing that it needs to heal, that it is still early days, and how I must learn to to listen to my body and remember to use my voice when I can't go on anymore.
I wish I could draw, because my picture would be of my body, side on, with a waterfall cascading from my chest inwards and tumbling down to a massive pool. It is constantly flowing at the moment. Crying is good, I am told, gets rid of the toxins apparently. Well if cancer is a toxin then it must be gone with the tears I have shed. Soon, very soon, the tears must dry up surely.
So it could be time to talk to a professional again, even if I feel like I am repeating myself.
On a brighter note, I heard on the radio today that it's three weeks till the end of winter! Roll on sunshine and bring the heat, as there is a lake/ocean just waiting for this One Eyed Minion to dive into.
