18/01/2015
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| We got through Christmas before the bomb shell |
So what do I think about while I am waiting for biopsy results after being told the radiologist is 99.9% sure I have cancer back in the same breast but different to the cancer I was treated for last year.
Well I started off calm. I have been here before. Last year when all I wanted to do was be 'normal' again, I now realise when the medical people said it looks like cancer again, I realised this was 'normal' for me. So I wasn't actually upset. I didn't think what the hell was my surgeon playing at when he reassured me a lumpectomy was all I needed (last January). He made the right decision for that particular cancer at that time and the chemo was meant to wipe out any cancer of that sort (not what I possibly have now). So it has probably done its job.
With my immune system being compromised, then this is probably why the latest cancer is red flagging. I am concerned that my hormone meds which are meant to block the estrogen and stop feeding the Cancer aren't working.
It's a bugger and I only say this because I can see the fallout this round could produce. This year could be tougher from a relationship perspective, work and my physical and mental state. If this does turn out to be, I am going to have to dig deep.
My hours are already compromised at work and I wonder how long my employer can prop me up financially. I am gutted at this stress this places on me and Wayne.
The heartache I hear in my mother's voice when I check in on her. This shouldn't be happening for a vibrant 86 year old. Her twilight years should be about letting go and being with her loved ones, her grandchildren - not a possibly ailing daughter.
My sister who has travelled a familiar journey 5 years ago and now reaching out with sisterly love to her baby sister. How hard this must be to see 'Andy' in turmoil.
My son and his wife who are looking at uprooting their life and moving to Taupo to support Wayne and I. I would want them to come because they want to for lifestyle and not be pressured in a way by duty.
And as for my husband of the year, well he told me this is all unfair. Why, why, why does it have to happen to me, someone who brings joy and love and happiness with a touch of zany. He said he will never understand.
And then there's you guys out there who have already carried me through last year with prayer, love, kindness, totally enriching our lives with all that you bring to our lives. Why would you want to ride this roller coaster with me again. Thank goodness for Facebook and freedom of choice. You don't have to read this.
Me - well I have got myself dead and buried a couple of times in the last few days. I have spiralled and do wonder what is in store for me. My senses are heightened and everything is looking amazing, I am experiencing terrific highs and then lows. The tears flow in the dark of night. Every little niggle I think Cancer has spread. Then I think, no, it is just my body still adjusting to last year's treatment.
This is what it feels like to have had cancer. You never forget, you are never out of the woods, you are always in limbo. Maybe as time goes on and there are big gaps and remission stretches out, one can relax a little. Me, having a callback on my very first mammogram after treatment, I feel robbed and well, this is just a bit harsh and definitely not fair.
But I will fight the good fight. If this biopsy all turns out to be a red herring, then I will be mighty grateful. If it turns to custard, then I fight on with my 'army' fed and watered and rested for approximately the last two months (between last radiation and now) and we hit this thing with whatever we can arm ourselves with. I do not want to lose this battle any time soon.
