I am writing this today in two minds whether to or not. It's been a hard month and I have pushed a lot of people away (for which I apologise) but I had to sort out stuff in my head.
I was struggling how to write what is going on for me at the moment but I came across an article by a woman, stage 4 terminal breast cancer, who put it so succinctly of how it is to be at her stage.
I am not at that stage (and may never be), but I related to it so much that I am going to put it out there, with a few minor alterations/deletions, with the hope that it helps others going through whatever illness/drama they are dealing with today. It is a case of going one day at a time, and if that is too hard, then an hour at a time - just like Martin Crowe (NZ cricketer) said recently.
So I take no credit for the words below in quotes. This brave lady is saying it for me. So here goes...
"I'm not even sure what’s going on around me as my mind has gone all higgledy from anxiety. What I do know is the oncologist told me they have done everything medically possible for me, now it is a case of controlling the cancer when, not if, it returns.
Since my visit to the oncologist a few weeks ago, I have been kind of 'grieving' I guess. I have shed many tears alone and in secret. When I look at my loved ones I get this giant sob in my heart, it's huge. I want to touch them all the time and tell them I love them. I look at them, trying to take them in and seal their faces in the memory bank of my soul. The anxiety of being separated from them mortifies me and breaks my heart.
Then, there are these massive moments of panic, where it feels like electricity shooting through my body and I shake my head and say “no no no, not yet, please not yet”!! I'm scared!
I'm devastated and, to be honest, I just don't know how to deal with this, I don't know how to get my head around it all!
There have been many ups and downs along the way with this breast cancer journey of mine and I have maintained a positive outlook mostly. But right now I don't feel so positive! The reality of all this is too much to bear! I have to be positive!! Negativity is not an option! I know the battlefield is in my mind. It’s a fight to be realistic but to not dwell on the negative thoughts. Balancing positivity with what you hear from the specialists and trying to maintain some kind of peace can be quite a challenge.
For me to remain positive is to acknowledge my fears and accept them, to not condemn myself when I do freak, to take one step at a time and enjoy and appreciate the smaller things in life that each day brings!! As the old hymn goes...One day at a time sweet Jesus!"
Right now work and home is what brings me normality. What a joy it is to work alongside a young expectant mum and see the life in her. Always a smiley cheery face and so much hope, well I can't help but feed off that. So thank you Casey for making my days at work filled with hope and laughter.
My skinny dipping bosom buddy Tania and I are still chuckling over our antics and more, and the freedom we are feeling right now.
I attended a funeral this week and as I approached my prayer warrior who had lost her husband, she hugged me and said "You brave lady. You are in my prayers every night". Now this was so humbling. To have her say that, in her time of sadness, was pure gold. Bless you Mary.
And I have decided to stop complaining. People ask how I am and I say "I'm good thanks". And it's true. I am good. I'm not in a hospital bed.
So I'm putting one foot in front of the other. I have to suck it up and believe it, and I'm taking it day by day, or hour by hour.
