Low Days

18/04/2014

It was explained to me that the whole cancer experience is a roller coaster of all the senses. This week was emotionally and physically tough.

I headed home to Matamata for a cry and a hug on Sunday with Mum. I didn't know that when I got out the car I was going to fall in her arms and shed tears. She said "I just want to take your hurts away" and I said I wanted her to "kiss and make it better".

Monday I was in bed all day. The body separated itself from the head and just went blah and would not, could not budge out of bed. Maybe I haven't drunk enough this 2nd chemo round. I am now trying Epsom Salt baths to see if I can detox the chemicals out. 

Each chemo round is about learning how to manage the chemicals that are rushing around the body. I guess I may have been a bit cocky after the 1st round and it going so well. Note to self - Chemotherapy is not a walk in the park, Andrea.

This week I failed miserably and I became sad. I have not been great company. I have pushed many away because I didn't want to impose my morose behaviour on others. I have not been able to lift myself out of the doldrums. I still put in some good hours at work but it was a struggle. I have shed buckets. Wayne has been my shoulder to cry on. He is so gentle, kind, loving - just holds me as I sob. He just keeps saying "let it out, let it go, this is good".

Please - I'm saying this not to invoke sympathy. There's plenty of others who are going through/ have been through this experience and know what I'm saying, but haven't told a soul. They have just taken the bull by the horns, stiff upper lip and got on with it. Well me, I'm just sharing this whole gambit of the cancer experience from where I am sitting.

This raw, vulnerable, bald human being is not someone I recognise in the mirror. I feel like I am being stripped bare to the core and I have so far to go, that I am not going to recognise the person at the end of all this. Who will arise from this whole experience.

Thank goodness for the arrival of Luke and Christine. To have their presence around me gives me joy. They remind me I am still a mum, a mother-in-law; I am wise, loving, giving, still speak gobbly-gook, funny, nurturing - they help me remember me.

So how did I forget all that this week. Well my wise niece "Oh auntie, tough once those steroid highs wear off isn't it? This is so normal...it passes".

Oh Lord, really, is that what this week was all about? This just confirmed again, those chemicals are going to send me roller coasting off the scale now as the next two rounds get stronger.

Hang in there with me guys, this is a hell of a ride...

Thank you this week for the beautiful kindnesses from:

• Jean, our neighbour, for coconut milk
• My angel of a neighbour for an amazing Entertainment Events Book for the year and wine
• Distant cousins for the beautiful flowers

Shave Day

12/04/2014

Time to shave it off

This was 'shave day'. Dr Link, the oncologist, had said my hair would start falling out this week and he was right, so the decision was made for Friday, 12 noon at Hair Mechanics for the shave. Beautiful vivacious compassionate Raynor did the deed and she did it with grace and in a dignified professional way.

It has been an emotional week and no, not because of vanity, but I am guessing I am now going to be identified as "she's got cancer". Shaving my head makes me stand out as 'sick' and in my mind I'm not sick, tired but not sick.

I then realise that this cancer treatment isn't going away any time soon and with shaving the hair, I realise I'm going to be a long time without a lot of hair and a long time under the cancer umbrella.

And then I also realise I am fighting for my life now. I can be upbeat 80% of the time and I can put all my trust and faith in God, and yet when I crawl back into human mode, I'm just a wee bit terrified.

And the lack of hair makes me vulnerable emotionally and raw to the elements. Some may think, for goodness sake, it's just a hairstyle. Well I can't explain it, but it just does emotionally challenge me.

So the shave is done. I had a number 2. I shed a few tears. I didn't recognise myself. I didn't want to look in the mirror.

But I had such loving support around me. Wayne held my hand when my hair was being washed and took photos of the experience, and gave me that reassuring look that he still loved me however I looked.

My cousin, who is my spiritual rock, I believe today represented my family.

Kathryn was my police family rep today and along with Leanne brought me calm and gentleness.

Debbie was Debbie - she loves me regardless of hair or no hair, and can't wait to do my makeup!

And I know there were lots thinking of me as well, especially Luke and Christine who couldn't be here, and surprised me in shaving their hair in support.

I thank you from the very roots of my hair!

So I survived the day. And yes, I will many more days like this.

This is me - vulnerable, raw, terrified - but elated that I got to go for a girlie weekend at The Mount and beach had a swim - my happy place.  This is my 'home beach' from my teenage years so lots of driving round in cars, watching guys and sun and surf.

I haven't been to the beach for so long, must be over a year, and that is where my Dad's spirit is, so I put my feet in the soothing salt water and talked to my Dad and just let him know how I am. I miss him today more than ever for some reason.

I remember he told me once he saw bald women overseas during the war and they were ugly. Well Pops, I need to know you don't think I'm ugly now. I just want to be your 'Bubs' again with a tender hand on the top of my head saying "You're beautiful Bubs".

Round 2

11/04/2014

Listen...what's that strange noise? It's rain!

Round 2 chemo this week. All went to plan again - nice and smooth. Went back to work for two days. 

Then today at lunch time came a cruncher, just zapped of energy, weepy, feeling sorry for myself - just wanted that hug and reassurance from Wayne, only he had to go to work and leave me to it. So the bubble wrapped itself around me and I was alone with me and God and that's when He told me again - 'Be still and know that I am God'. 

I put myself to bed at 1.30 and lay curled up in the foetal position feeling very sorry for myself physically while my mind was going crazy on steroid meds. So I lay there consciously separating the mind from the body and just letting the body enjoy the sound of the raindrops.  I woke at 6 so somewhere in there my steroid mind slowed down and gave me rest.

My taste buds changed this week after chemo. It's a shame because I have been so good at drinking 3 bottles of water a day but now it tastes like plastic even out of a glass, so am frantically trying to find something that will hydrate and flush the chemo out and also quench my thirst. Cranberry juice is winning at the moment at 3am but that's also when I am wanting porridge with brown sugar! Also trying the suggestions in the cancer booklet - eat with plastic fork, have lime juice before food, spice up meals.  Got to be some merit in their suggestions.

A gift package from my colleagues

I also put up a post about bath louffa/sponge which a lot of you have read. Hope it made sense and got you thinking about putting into practice.

After a beautiful weekend at the Mount last weekend with Debbie Forster, I am so looking forward to spending time with Wayne. This week I have been asleep by the time he has got home so have lost that connection and sharing our day. He has no gig this weekend (he is a guitarist/musician) either so we will just enjoy our time together and be lazy and remember how blessed we are to have each other.

Thanks again to my prayer warriors and well wishers. I can't stress enough how important you are in this experience.

Check your breasts

10/04/2014

My suggestion for what it's worth...

I don't know if I mentioned in previous posts that I was between mammograms when I discovered the breast cancer lump.

I have been using a bath louffa for a few years so had not actually "touched" skin to skin and done the soapy breast examination. When I did put aside the louffa, the lump was very obvious.

Another recently diagnosed friend who I spoke to this week, said she had a similar experience. She dropped her louffa on the shower floor and couldn't be bothered picking it up. She lathered up and found her lump as well.

My suggestion is - put aside the louffa, facecloth, whatever you use and once a month, lather up and examine your breasts, especially between mammograms.
And guys, if you are reading this...do I have to spell it out!