Emotional Treatment

25/11/2014

I have wanted to put 'pen to paper' for a few weeks now but felt that once treatment had finished, I more or less closed the Facebook blog, thinking those of you who read my blog had seen me get through it and that was enough.

When I finished radiation on 3/11/2014 I was ready to get back to normality and naively thought I could get back into work and just put the past 10 months behind me.  What I found instead was that I was looking over my shoulder asking myself the question "What just happened these last 10 months"?

I headed off to work and did the first week full time only to feel like a little old lady by the weekend, spending a lot of it in bed sleeping.

This was not my expectation because I had gotten through treatment pretty good compared to so many others around me.  This wasn't  me, this wasn't how it was meant to go now. I'm done and dusted. Sure, I will feel a bit tired, but not like a truck has mowed me down.

So I headed to the cancer counsellor and cancer nurse for some answers/solutions.  The counsellor said "Andrea, you need to learn to breathe, just breathe".  So of course I did and thought wow, I can do more now and so I did.

Then my cancer nurse sent me literature on different ailments after treatment but nothing new there.  The pertinent one for me was how to manage fatigue which I thought I was doing.

So I proceeded to carry on full tit (excuse the pun) only to fall in a big heap at the weekend which honestly shocked me.  I didn't realise I could feel that tired.  Thankfully I had Jan, my sister, explain in plain language about how I had to slow down, how I wasn't being fair to my body or to the doctors who had taken care of me.  I also had Mum's nurturing to get me back on my feet.

Therefore I have come to the slow realisation I am going to have to adapt to 'me' time.  I am so good at giving out, that I don't know how to give to myself.  

This therefore is my new quest.  If I don't, I am worried the cancer will come back, so I have to give myself a fighting chance to keep those cancer cells from regenerating and that is what I intend to do - take a breath and take time out.

Really, this is a continuation of the treatment plan.  When I take a step back and acknowledge that the medical treatment it is over, I now have to undertake emotional treatment for me.  This part of the cancer experience is probably more emotional than I can express here and something I have to figure out for myself. I might share with you at some stage but for now I am going to do some reflecting on how this 'me' time is going to look.  

I welcome any ideas.

For the time being, Hazel is filled with gas and is ready and waiting, and the road stretches out before me...

Easy Week

05/07/2014

For the first time since I started chemo in March I actually felt normal for a few days this week. My mind was clear, I had energy, I felt positive and strong. I headed back to work with great gusto and enthusiasm. Just goes to show that down time is necessary and to stop being so stoic. So when I woke yesterday and felt blah I did what my body asked, and I rested and slept until 2pm. I am amazed at how much I can sleep. A bit of excitement when I look in the mirror too. I actually think my hair is starting to grow back. It is soft and fluffy like duck down.

I attended a women's development day on Tuesday along with my colleagues. One of the facilitators asked "what is your 5 year plan". She presented us with a work/personal plan to complete while we were there. 

My mind went into emotional overload. I held it together but it hit home (again) that stats say I have 60% survival rate over the next five years. So when I was presented with this plan to complete, all I could think was I just have to hope my body survives all the carcinogenic medicine they have put into me and the five years of medication of oestrogen blockers do their thing and don't go looking for cancer cells. 

My wish is to be here in five years and have quality of life. I don't know how to plan for that though. I just have to believe it and take care of myself.

One of my chemo buddies has completed her treatment. It is cause for a celebration. Now me and my other chemo buddy just have to finish ours.

So back on the chemo process on Tuesday (round 7). The end is getting closer...yippee.