Pinot Gris - guided by my recent consumption of this nice wine on a Friday night at 'The Vine', I have rather enjoyed its lighter notes. I am no wine expert but I have developed a good palate for it. So when my 4x 'Cosmopolitan' pink chemo cocktail finished, I was quite hoping the 'lighter' one the medical team promised me would be just like a Pinot Gris: light, easy to drink/handle, delicate. Well, hello...
I do tend to forget that they are actually putting poison into me. I don't think I have mentioned before but when the nurse gets prepared to administer the chemo, they put on drapes and gloves and cover everything they can to prevent any of the poison getting loose on their bodily parts. A little disconcerting, but we have to remember what we are dealing with here. Kill off the bad cells (and the good cells) and hopefully the good cells will bounce back soon enough. Did you know chemo came about because of mustard gas back in WWII? Google it!
So...5 down, 5 to go! Really? I did cringe today when I met a lady in town who happily said "Oh well you are half way there, that's great and if you get 5 years remission, count your lucky stars". Sorry, but I promptly said under my breath "F... off, you sit here and be excited about that mountain to climb". Sorry if that sounds ungracious, but that's my head space today. It hasn't been the best couple of days. I know people mean well but sometimes just a hug will really suffice. I know my reality only too well.
I do tend to forget that they are actually putting poison into me. I don't think I have mentioned before but when the nurse gets prepared to administer the chemo, they put on drapes and gloves and cover everything they can to prevent any of the poison getting loose on their bodily parts. A little disconcerting, but we have to remember what we are dealing with here. Kill off the bad cells (and the good cells) and hopefully the good cells will bounce back soon enough. Did you know chemo came about because of mustard gas back in WWII? Google it!
So...5 down, 5 to go! Really? I did cringe today when I met a lady in town who happily said "Oh well you are half way there, that's great and if you get 5 years remission, count your lucky stars". Sorry, but I promptly said under my breath "F... off, you sit here and be excited about that mountain to climb". Sorry if that sounds ungracious, but that's my head space today. It hasn't been the best couple of days. I know people mean well but sometimes just a hug will really suffice. I know my reality only too well.
Tuesday came with the new administering of two new drugs 'M' and 'F' through two syringes and then the infusion (drip bag) of the 'C'. Still took about the same length of time at the chemo unit.
Then home and in kicked the steroids and anti nausea drugs. I was up at 2am craving for toast and peanut butter and I had to have it. The brain would not switch off so read a comical book about a man and his donkey on the pilgrim way to Santiago "Spanish Steps" till the late hours of the morning. Of particular interest as my brother and wife cycled this route last year. Thanks Anna Bixley for that recommendation.
Next day sleep. Thank goodness no 'lump of concrete' in the stomach.
Thursday I worked and to my detriment. I am really going to have to work out what hours I can work so that the body won't react and object. I love my job and want to be there so that is not the issue. The issue is working around how much sick leave and annual leave I need to save up to get through all the treatment, and getting time to physically get well through convalescing and recuperating. At the moment I have no time to.
Friday I crashed and burned big time. Lasted an hour at work and then fell in a heap. I got home and Wayne just held me while I cried and cried until I could cry no more and then I slept. Wayne was worried about leaving me so my lovely cousin Lynn came and kept me company to make sure I didn't spin out on my own.
A lot of you will know I am an emotional soul, tend to wear it all on my sleeve, well this is turning into quite a task to get back on track. The medical staff have suggested I speak with a cancer counsellor and I can't see it doing any harm so am booked in for a chat.
In the meantime I grab my moments. Today we celebrate our wedding anniversary and the highlight is going to be watching the All Blacks play England - that's why Wayne loves me, he says, because I love rugby and cricket. No dinner out or a night away as I had so wanted to plan a few weeks ago, just in case I'm not here next year. I wanted to create a memory. But the memory I have created for Wayne is of us sitting on the couch watching rugby, two lovebirds celebrating 16 years marriage, and high 5-ing when we score. That will suffice today.
Thank you this week to:
Taken out for dinner out last Sunday
Prayers chemo day
Massage pre chemo
Then home and in kicked the steroids and anti nausea drugs. I was up at 2am craving for toast and peanut butter and I had to have it. The brain would not switch off so read a comical book about a man and his donkey on the pilgrim way to Santiago "Spanish Steps" till the late hours of the morning. Of particular interest as my brother and wife cycled this route last year. Thanks Anna Bixley for that recommendation.
Next day sleep. Thank goodness no 'lump of concrete' in the stomach.
Thursday I worked and to my detriment. I am really going to have to work out what hours I can work so that the body won't react and object. I love my job and want to be there so that is not the issue. The issue is working around how much sick leave and annual leave I need to save up to get through all the treatment, and getting time to physically get well through convalescing and recuperating. At the moment I have no time to.
Friday I crashed and burned big time. Lasted an hour at work and then fell in a heap. I got home and Wayne just held me while I cried and cried until I could cry no more and then I slept. Wayne was worried about leaving me so my lovely cousin Lynn came and kept me company to make sure I didn't spin out on my own.
A lot of you will know I am an emotional soul, tend to wear it all on my sleeve, well this is turning into quite a task to get back on track. The medical staff have suggested I speak with a cancer counsellor and I can't see it doing any harm so am booked in for a chat.
In the meantime I grab my moments. Today we celebrate our wedding anniversary and the highlight is going to be watching the All Blacks play England - that's why Wayne loves me, he says, because I love rugby and cricket. No dinner out or a night away as I had so wanted to plan a few weeks ago, just in case I'm not here next year. I wanted to create a memory. But the memory I have created for Wayne is of us sitting on the couch watching rugby, two lovebirds celebrating 16 years marriage, and high 5-ing when we score. That will suffice today.
Thank you this week to:
Taken out for dinner out last Sunday
Prayers chemo day
Massage pre chemo
Aniversary Coffee Plus lunch today
Cousin hanging out with me at the end of a working week
Mum sending anniversary flowers
Cousin hanging out with me at the end of a working week
Mum sending anniversary flowers
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