It was explained to me that the whole cancer experience is a roller coaster of all the senses. This week was emotionally and physically tough.
I headed home to Matamata for a cry and a hug on Sunday with Mum. I didn't know that when I got out the car I was going to fall in her arms and shed tears. She said "I just want to take your hurts away" and I said I wanted her to "kiss and make it better".
I headed home to Matamata for a cry and a hug on Sunday with Mum. I didn't know that when I got out the car I was going to fall in her arms and shed tears. She said "I just want to take your hurts away" and I said I wanted her to "kiss and make it better".
Monday I was in bed all day. The body separated itself from the head and just went blah and would not, could not budge out of bed. Maybe I haven't drunk enough this 2nd chemo round. I am now trying Epsom Salt baths to see if I can detox the chemicals out.
Each chemo round is about learning how to manage the chemicals that are rushing around the body. I guess I may have been a bit cocky after the 1st round and it going so well. Note to self - Chemotherapy is not a walk in the park, Andrea.
This week I failed miserably and I became sad. I have not been great company. I have pushed many away because I didn't want to impose my morose behaviour on others. I have not been able to lift myself out of the doldrums. I still put in some good hours at work but it was a struggle. I have shed buckets. Wayne has been my shoulder to cry on. He is so gentle, kind, loving - just holds me as I sob. He just keeps saying "let it out, let it go, this is good".
Please - I'm saying this not to invoke sympathy. There's plenty of others who are going through/ have been through this experience and know what I'm saying, but haven't told a soul. They have just taken the bull by the horns, stiff upper lip and got on with it. Well me, I'm just sharing this whole gambit of the cancer experience from where I am sitting.
This raw, vulnerable, bald human being is not someone I recognise in the mirror. I feel like I am being stripped bare to the core and I have so far to go, that I am not going to recognise the person at the end of all this. Who will arise from this whole experience.
This week I failed miserably and I became sad. I have not been great company. I have pushed many away because I didn't want to impose my morose behaviour on others. I have not been able to lift myself out of the doldrums. I still put in some good hours at work but it was a struggle. I have shed buckets. Wayne has been my shoulder to cry on. He is so gentle, kind, loving - just holds me as I sob. He just keeps saying "let it out, let it go, this is good".
Please - I'm saying this not to invoke sympathy. There's plenty of others who are going through/ have been through this experience and know what I'm saying, but haven't told a soul. They have just taken the bull by the horns, stiff upper lip and got on with it. Well me, I'm just sharing this whole gambit of the cancer experience from where I am sitting.
This raw, vulnerable, bald human being is not someone I recognise in the mirror. I feel like I am being stripped bare to the core and I have so far to go, that I am not going to recognise the person at the end of all this. Who will arise from this whole experience.
Thank goodness for the arrival of Luke and Christine. To have their presence around me gives me joy. They remind me I am still a mum, a mother-in-law; I am wise, loving, giving, still speak gobbly-gook, funny, nurturing - they help me remember me.
So how did I forget all that this week. Well my wise niece "Oh auntie, tough once those steroid highs wear off isn't it? This is so normal...it passes".
Oh Lord, really, is that what this week was all about? This just confirmed again, those chemicals are going to send me roller coasting off the scale now as the next two rounds get stronger.
Hang in there with me guys, this is a hell of a ride...
Thank you this week for the beautiful kindnesses from:
- Jean, our neighbour, for coconut milk
- My angel of a neighbour for an amazing Entertainment Events Book for the year and wine
- Distant cousins for the beautiful flowers
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