Shave Day

12/04/2014

Time to shave it off

This was 'shave day'. Dr Link, the oncologist, had said my hair would start falling out this week and he was right, so the decision was made for Friday, 12 noon at Hair Mechanics for the shave. Beautiful vivacious compassionate Raynor did the deed and she did it with grace and in a dignified professional way.

It has been an emotional week and no, not because of vanity, but I am guessing I am now going to be identified as "she's got cancer". Shaving my head makes me stand out as 'sick' and in my mind I'm not sick, tired but not sick.

I then realise that this cancer treatment isn't going away any time soon and with shaving the hair, I realise I'm going to be a long time without a lot of hair and a long time under the cancer umbrella.

And then I also realise I am fighting for my life now. I can be upbeat 80% of the time and I can put all my trust and faith in God, and yet when I crawl back into human mode, I'm just a wee bit terrified.

And the lack of hair makes me vulnerable emotionally and raw to the elements. Some may think, for goodness sake, it's just a hairstyle. Well I can't explain it, but it just does emotionally challenge me.

So the shave is done. I had a number 2. I shed a few tears. I didn't recognise myself. I didn't want to look in the mirror.

But I had such loving support around me. Wayne held my hand when my hair was being washed and took photos of the experience, and gave me that reassuring look that he still loved me however I looked.

My cousin, who is my spiritual rock, I believe today represented my family.

Kathryn was my police family rep today and along with Leanne brought me calm and gentleness.

Debbie was Debbie - she loves me regardless of hair or no hair, and can't wait to do my makeup!

And I know there were lots thinking of me as well, especially Luke and Christine who couldn't be here, and surprised me in shaving their hair in support.

I thank you from the very roots of my hair!

So I survived the day. And yes, I will many more days like this.

This is me - vulnerable, raw, terrified - but elated that I got to go for a girlie weekend at The Mount and beach had a swim - my happy place.  This is my 'home beach' from my teenage years so lots of driving round in cars, watching guys and sun and surf.

I haven't been to the beach for so long, must be over a year, and that is where my Dad's spirit is, so I put my feet in the soothing salt water and talked to my Dad and just let him know how I am. I miss him today more than ever for some reason.

I remember he told me once he saw bald women overseas during the war and they were ugly. Well Pops, I need to know you don't think I'm ugly now. I just want to be your 'Bubs' again with a tender hand on the top of my head saying "You're beautiful Bubs".