Biopsy results are in

19/01/2015

Mum and Jan came with me to see surgeon today.  He tells us he has never seen anything like my scans - it looks like my Breast has had a shaker of salt sprinkled through it.  

He found it so hard to believe this has happened and the Breast tissue needs to be further explored so a day surgery coming up to get better pathology.

He is 99% sure it is cancer too.  

Next step CT and MRI scans this Wednesday, results the following Wednesday, then day surgery to take a larger portion of breast tissue then probably full mastectomy of the left breast and chemo on the cards.

How do I feel...a bit numb and exhausted mentally.

My angel neighbour pampering me through dark days

Oh no, it's back

18/01/2015

We got through Christmas before the bomb shell

So what do I think about while I am waiting for biopsy results after being told the radiologist is 99.9% sure I have cancer back in the same breast but different to the cancer I was treated for last year.

Well I started off calm.  I have been here before. Last year when all I wanted to do was be 'normal' again, I now realise when the medical people said it looks like cancer again, I realised this was 'normal' for me.  So I wasn't actually upset.  I didn't think what the hell was my surgeon playing at when he reassured me a lumpectomy was all I needed (last January).  He made the right decision for that particular cancer at that time and the chemo was meant to wipe out any cancer of that sort (not what I possibly have now).  So it has probably done its job.

With my immune system being compromised, then this is probably why the latest cancer is red flagging.  I am concerned that my hormone meds which are meant to block the estrogen and stop feeding the Cancer aren't working.

It's a bugger and I only say this because I can see the fallout this round could produce.  This year could be tougher from a relationship perspective, work and my physical and mental state. If this does turn out to be, I am going to have to dig deep.

My hours are already compromised at work and I wonder how long my employer can prop me up financially.  I am gutted at this stress this places on me and Wayne.

The heartache I hear in my mother's voice when I check in on her.  This shouldn't be happening for a vibrant 86 year old.  Her twilight years should be about letting go and being with her loved ones, her grandchildren - not a possibly ailing daughter.

My sister who has travelled a familiar journey 5 years ago and now reaching out with  sisterly love to her baby sister.  How hard this must be to see 'Andy' in turmoil.

My son and his wife who are looking at uprooting their life and moving to Taupo to support Wayne and I.  I would want them to come because they want to for lifestyle and not be pressured in a way by duty.

And as for my husband of the year, well he told me this is all unfair. Why, why, why does it have to happen to me, someone who brings joy and love and happiness with a touch of zany.  He said he will never understand.

And then there's you guys out there who have already carried me through last year with prayer, love, kindness, totally enriching our lives with all that you bring to our lives. Why would you want to ride this roller coaster with me again.  Thank goodness for Facebook and freedom of choice.  You don't have to read this.

Me - well I have got myself dead and buried a couple of times in the last few days.  I have spiralled and do wonder what is in store for me.  My senses are heightened and everything is looking amazing, I am experiencing terrific highs and then lows.  The tears flow in the dark of night.  Every little niggle I think Cancer has spread.  Then I think, no, it is just my body still adjusting to last year's treatment.

This is what it feels like to have had cancer.  You never forget, you are never out of the woods, you are always in limbo.  Maybe as time goes on and there are big gaps and remission stretches out, one can relax a little.  Me, having a callback on my very first mammogram after treatment, I feel robbed and well, this is just a bit harsh and definitely not fair.

But I will fight the good fight. If this biopsy all turns out to be a red herring, then I will be mighty grateful. If it turns to custard, then I fight on with my 'army' fed and watered and rested for approximately the last two months (between last radiation and now) and we hit this thing with whatever we can arm ourselves with.  I do not want to lose this battle any time soon.

Sex and Cancer

08/12/2014

Big thank you to Tania for plying me with wine after a visit to GP today to talk about sex.  It's one of those taboo subjects that doesn't get talked about when going through cancer.  Now I am out the other side we thought yay, it's all go.  But unfortunately not.  So if you don't want to know, stop reading now.  You know I am all about education so here goes...

The hormone pill I am on thins the vagina wall which makes for painful sex.  I can change to another hormone pill that thickens the lining of the uterus but can cause cancer. I can also have an estrogen cream which may help but has to be limited to six weeks as we don't want this to produce estrogen and feed any cancer.  The GP asked me is sex important to us, if so, then it is quality of life I am looking at.  He rang my oncologist and the above is what they could come up with.  If this doesn't help then where to from here.  So cancer is teaching me something else now and throwing me off centre.  You think when you have breast cancer it's all about the boobs, but alas no.

I came home to Wayne and the darling just said we will learn about different intimacy and loving.  Gotta love this guy.  He is being very patient.  When I was undergoing chemo they gave a suggestion not to have sex for three days after treatment.  We waited five days and still Wayne got chemo burns/welts in and on his private parts so something to consider...

So another lesson today...Do I want to die for sex...I don't think so!  

Emotional Treatment

25/11/2014

I have wanted to put 'pen to paper' for a few weeks now but felt that once treatment had finished, I more or less closed the Facebook blog, thinking those of you who read my blog had seen me get through it and that was enough.

When I finished radiation on 3/11/2014 I was ready to get back to normality and naively thought I could get back into work and just put the past 10 months behind me.  What I found instead was that I was looking over my shoulder asking myself the question "What just happened these last 10 months"?

I headed off to work and did the first week full time only to feel like a little old lady by the weekend, spending a lot of it in bed sleeping.

This was not my expectation because I had gotten through treatment pretty good compared to so many others around me.  This wasn't  me, this wasn't how it was meant to go now. I'm done and dusted. Sure, I will feel a bit tired, but not like a truck has mowed me down.

So I headed to the cancer counsellor and cancer nurse for some answers/solutions.  The counsellor said "Andrea, you need to learn to breathe, just breathe".  So of course I did and thought wow, I can do more now and so I did.

Then my cancer nurse sent me literature on different ailments after treatment but nothing new there.  The pertinent one for me was how to manage fatigue which I thought I was doing.

So I proceeded to carry on full tit (excuse the pun) only to fall in a big heap at the weekend which honestly shocked me.  I didn't realise I could feel that tired.  Thankfully I had Jan, my sister, explain in plain language about how I had to slow down, how I wasn't being fair to my body or to the doctors who had taken care of me.  I also had Mum's nurturing to get me back on my feet.

Therefore I have come to the slow realisation I am going to have to adapt to 'me' time.  I am so good at giving out, that I don't know how to give to myself.  

This therefore is my new quest.  If I don't, I am worried the cancer will come back, so I have to give myself a fighting chance to keep those cancer cells from regenerating and that is what I intend to do - take a breath and take time out.

Really, this is a continuation of the treatment plan.  When I take a step back and acknowledge that the medical treatment it is over, I now have to undertake emotional treatment for me.  This part of the cancer experience is probably more emotional than I can express here and something I have to figure out for myself. I might share with you at some stage but for now I am going to do some reflecting on how this 'me' time is going to look.  

I welcome any ideas.

For the time being, Hazel is filled with gas and is ready and waiting, and the road stretches out before me...

The end is nigh

30/10/2014

"Tears are words from the heart that can't be spoken"

It is my last night at the Lions Cancer Lodge in Hamilton. The last five weeks have flown by.

I have met amazing people from all walks of life courageously getting on with the business of being treated for cancer.

Of note at the Lodge, which is a fantastic asset and God-send to those going through this process of being away from home, we have all been treated equally regardless of race, colour or financial means. 

I am grateful of the support of fellow lodgers who will talk honestly and share their experiences about Cancer till the cows come home. We always, always managed to laugh - always!

At the lodge a volunteer comes in and
does our nails for a gold coin donatio

The radiation medical team have treated me with compassion and kindness. I was known as the 'special one' (due to some body parts that had to be strategically placed). They always made the experience a good one.

All in all I have been truly blessed.

Now I need to regain and rebuild strength - both physical and emotional and take the time to reflect, putting the experience of cancer in its right place in my life. For months, it has dominated, been in control. Now is time to begin the long, slow process of putting it in the right box in my life - not forgetting about it, not denying its importance or power, not pretending it didn't happen, but getting on with where my life left off some 10 months ago.

If I have learnt anything, anything at all, it is this.  
- I am strong, stronger than I ever, ever thought I was and faith was a major reason for this
- I have an amazing supportive husband who deserves 'Husband of the Year' title
- I never want to forget the kindness of others, this has been overwhelming.

Time for me and Greg to head home

Bless you friends and family, and prayer warriors, and colleagues who have been there for me and Wayne, Luke  and Christine  It's been a hell of a learning curve and through it all God has been right there with us, carrying us and teaching us to never give up the faith.

Kia Kaha (thanks to my sister-in-law Annie - It is so true).

Boo Bead for Breast Cancer

The NZ Breast Cancer Foundation have released this item to highlight breast cancer awareness.
- The 2mm size bead is the smallest cancer found by regular mammogram
- The 14.5mm size bead is the average size of cancer found by regular mammogram
- The 22mm size bead is the average size of lump found by a woman checking her breasts.
I found mine at 30mm.

I have attached this 'bling boo bead' to my handbag and have had so many opportunities of late to educate other women with this tool as an example.

Fire Fire!

23/10/2014

Remember I said I was nominated as Fire Warden the second day I arrived?  Well last night I got to put grasp the role with both hands and run with it.

At 4.40am I was woken to "Brrrrr brrrr brrrr, this is not a drill.  Please evacuate the building and await instructions".  

I jumped out of bed in my pretty floral nightie and hightailed it to the reception area.  I had been given instructions at my induction to go to the reception area if the alarm went to see if it was for real.  By the way, the reception is a wee way away.  I would hope to smell smoke by the time I got there.

On arriving, Tim from Taupo (father of Michelle Taylor) was coming out from his hallway, nicely attired I must say, in his dressing gown.  

The night attendant was flying, yes flying, in another direction yelling "Get everyone out".  

"Right" says Tim "let's get our gear".  Off we go to the rack to get our bag of equipment - cap, vest, torch.  Nicola (ex Taupo) the other floor warden (3 wings to the lodge) arrives and we disperse to our wings, knocking on doors and shouting instructions to evacuate, not knowing if someone was in a room or not.

Me in fire warden get-up

People started coming out from all directions - some had time to get dressed. I managed to pass my room and grab some trackies to put on.

Ten minutes and the alarm went off.  "False alarm" says the night attendant.  Tim informs us he couldn't smell smoke, so we thought she was right.

Back to bed, 10 minutes later off the alarm goes off again.  Out I climb only to be told false alarm.

At 6.38am off the alarm goes again. By this time my trackies are ready and waiting.  Once again false alarm.

Great excitement of chatter over breakfast only to find two 'perished' as they didn't have their hearing aids in and didn't hear the knock on the door.  Oops.

So much for telling the new lodgers how lovely and peaceful this place is.  They got a rude awakening.

So who got to work early today? Moi!

Some of the lodgers arrived at oncology clinic today to oh no, another fire evacuation!    What's going on we wonder.