In a spin

I thought I was having a nervous breakdown last week.  I got to Wednesday and as I got into Hazel, I couldn't get my leg in the car, let alone turn on the ignition.  I was mentally and emotionally paralysed.  Thankfully a colleague came along 20 minutes later and helped me through it, but it was a very dark place I had gone to.

My friend Boo in Sweden came to my aid as she read between the lines and Skyped me two days in a row.  She helped me laugh again as we simultaneously drank our fluid of choice at that time of day - I supped wine at 6.30pm and she her vitamin C drink at 6.30am her time.  Why do I try to be so tough and unwavering and hard on myself?  "Fake it till you make it" as the saying goes.  Luke and Christine arrived with ice cream to soothe me but all I could do was grunt.  I wasn't good.

The next day I sat in front of my computer and thought "what am I doing here? I am just wasting my days away". And yet, it is where I need to be and want to be.  I need the distraction.

Oh how I wish I had one of those brains that could just shut down these emotions and compartmentalise so that I can sit comfortably with today but alas I don't.  Wine helps but it's not the answer.  Is it my weak mind, my lack of confidence, lack of faith...

I do know that by escaping to another part of the country, ie Ohope, gave me a physical change, and as the saying goes "change is as good as a rest".  We slept and slept and talked.  It was so good to see Wayne unwind.  He doesn't like it when I say he is my caregiver or that it is hard on him caring for me.  He says "I am your husband who loves you.  I will look after you always".

I realise that I am confused about how I am meant to feel and how others want to see me.  I have this overwhelming compelling need to be seen to be okay because I have been so strong and brave up to now.  Wayne says I worry too much about what others think of me, which is so true, but I am prepared to put myself out there and be judged for baring my all.

I am lonely as there isn't anyone else I know who is in my situation and I'm guessing friends/family can't/don't know how to respond.  I know I need help but I don't know what help I need.  Hopefully I will get that from my first Sweet Louise support group meeting on Wednesday.  I just wish things were different and I could rise above it all.  I want to live while dying, not die while living.

I caught up with a lady I met from the cancer lodge (in 2014) at the weekend in Ohope. She was so kind and gentle, and gave me a beautiful spiritual encounter which I am so grateful for.  Maybe I need to surround myself more in God's love.  I just want to do this whole experience with grace and courage, but right now I am so floundering.