Two weeks & counting

16/10/2016

Well I am two weeks into being on the tamoxifen meds and so far so good.  

• The aches and sore joints I had from taking the meds last time have, to date, not eventuated which is great.  I think this could be due to last time it was compounded by two operations and body being whacked from chemo.
• I still don't know what to eat or want to eat, as I am never hungry, but I am not losing weight.  
• I am finding that if I get overtired I become very weepy.  By the end of the week I am shattered.
• I have a cough that is tickling away deep down so not sure what that's about.

I guess there isn't a lot to complain about in that lot that's for sure.
At my oncologist's referral, I had an organisation named 'Sweet Louise' ring me during the week...   "Men and women living in New Zealand with incurable (secondary) breast cancer may become Members of Sweet Louise to access a wide range of support and services – membership is free.  Our range of services complement existing medical treatments and community support services. They include research-proven strategies to complement traditional treatment, as well as uplifting experiences and practical assistance to enable Members to cope better with treatment and its related day-to-day challenges. We aim to support each Member to live as positively as possible, for as long as possible".

Sweet Louise provides

• An annual allocation of vouchers worth $500 to spend on our range of complementary and practical services. These include house cleaning, lawn mowing, wigs, massage and meal deliveries. All complementary services are approved by our Medical Advisory Board.
• Monthly Member Meetings 
• A wide range of information resources, both electronic and printed
• A facilitated Men’s Group for partners/husbands (in collaboration with local Hospices, in some locations)
• Practical support for children
• Referrals to and collaboration with community organisations supporting families experiencing cancer

My husband Wayne bought me this heart
for the garden on our Sunday date

It wasn't until I heard this that I suddenly realised I must be in this category though my oncologist hasn't exactly spelled that out to us yet.  I guess when his report says 'containment not cure' then I have to assume all is not good in the hood.  As I don't see him until December after next scans and he did say to me he wouldn't have 'that conversation' over the phone, then we will wait for the word from him.    In the meantime, I am being well supported again.  In fact the coordinator from Hamilton is coming to have coffee with me in November so feeling a bit special. 

As for the mental and emotional side, well it's one hell of a ride.  Sometimes when I am describing my situation it is like an outer body experience; like I am sitting beside myself listening to me talk. It's quite surreal.  I have to admit I'm pretty scared about moving forward.   It's that hurry up and wait scenario.  I haven't quite stilled the mind yet.  It wants to take me places and I am having those conversations that are probably pretty confronting for those close to me

• I have spoken to a friend who says she will help nurse me if/whenever
• I would have a Farewell to the World party
• I have revisited funeral venue
• I'm considering giving my body to a medical school seeing as I can't do organ donation now
• I asked Wayne to do a suicide pact with me but he told me to F... Off - love this guy

Please don't judge me for these thoughts.  Perhaps not everyone would put them out there like I am.  If you ever walk in my shoes one day (and I pray you don't) you may realise my ramblings are normal.    I am so proud and grateful my loved ones are indulging me in these conversations. It's not easy for them.  You are the lucky ones as you have a choice to read this or not.
In the meantime I wake each day full of vim and vigour, and so what if by the end of the day it is all a bit much. I come home to a lovely calm house, I can sit in my rocking chair and have a glass of vino.  I have a view of the lake and sunsets to enjoy, and once again I do count my blessings.  I'm in a very confronting position which I acknowledge and must work with day and night.  Thank God for the love of a good man, amazing son and DIL, family and friends.  Blessed...