Cycle of Life

Thank goodness for six monthly scans...

On the road to get Ebus with Henry for company

For the first time in 18 months I was positive that my scans would come back clear again, just like all the other times, but alas not to be.  My GP phoned and says "I will ring you tonight" - ah no, you will tell me now thanks, and so he did.

My scans showed I have abnormal lymph nodes basically in behind my breast bone about 3" in.  First step - let's see the oncologist.

So off we went two days later to have my oncologist swoon in towards me with his office chair and with his blue steely eyes, he painted the picture.  

-  Yes, he thought the scans showed abnormal lymph nodes, different to six months ago.  

-  No, we can't operate. 

-  Yes let's do blood tests today while at Waikato Hospital which will confirm his diagnosis of cancer in the lymph nodes.

Blood tests confirmed the next day so I go for an Ebus biopsy to check if the cancer had hormonal components, ie breast cancer recurrence, or if a new cancer.  If hormonal, then back on hormone meds for 10 weeks, then a scan and see if the lymph nodes have stayed the same or reduced; if so, good sign and we carry on with that regime.  If not hormonal or if not responding to hormonal meds, then chemotherapy (no radiation).

Remember people, I have been here before, so for some weird reason I am not overawed as yet.  Sure, I am surprised it has returned and maybe I am experiencing denial, fear, acceptance.

You know what though, I hear silence which I take as disbelief on your part.  I am so grateful for lots of encouraging and beautiful comments and sentiments when I told you.  But the silence is deafening and I know why. Because I know how sad you are for me and I know you don't know what to say, and I know that you want to say 'be positive' 100 times, but even you are now starting to doubt and who can blame you when it comes back for the third year in a row.  I know that it breaks some of your fortitude and resolve in believing in my physical body being able to beat this.  If all I need is hormonal meds, then this will be much easier on me physically.  If I go to chemo, then I will be as strong as I can,  and the days that I am not, then I will falter, but I will always do my best to bounce back up.  Let's not jump too far ahead though.  This could be an easier road than perhaps first thought, let's pray so.

When I was diagnosed in 2014, I remember Wayne saying at one point "what has really changed from one day to the next".  I remember declaring loudly "You don't know what it's like, you aren't me".  Yet in his mind one day I didn't know I had cancer, the next I did, but I was still me.  I couldn't grasp that then, but I do now.  Nothing has changed except I know it's there.  If I had gone another year without scans and didn't show any obvious ailments, then I would be none the wiser until a more serious event reared its head I suspect.

So I say:

- thank goodness for the scans that have captured a picture of some abnormal lymph nodes

- thank goodness there is modern medicine

- thank goodness every day Pharmac is getting closer to releasing meds that can work more effectively in my lifetime. (To be told I could have one med that would work but it costs $10k a month - yeah well, that ain't going to happen.)

Admittedly today I am a bit sad and disappointed, and a bit angry that it's happening again.  Really?  Three times?  C'mon!!  I am so gutted for Wayne and Luke, and my family to have to endure this again.  I see what it does and I am so so sorry for them.

I am waiting a lot more patiently than the previous two times for a phone call to undergo the Ebus procedure.  Apparently 'Mr Wong is going to wing me'...Wayne is already getting his 'abscess makes the fart go Honda' joke ready for Mr Wong.  Heaven help me.

Thanks for being my sounding board.😍