Am I weak or strong?

12/12/2015

A couple of things have thrown me off my stride this week.  My dear bosom buddy went to our surgeon this week to be told at last she can have her portacath out.  It is another milestone for her and is saying the medical team are happy with her progress; that cancer is not lurking in the foreseeable future. I was so happy for her, honestly and then I gasped; as from deep down inside me came the realisation that I am still waiting for that moment and it isn't yet.  It brought tears and a feeling of pain.

The second moment came when I had lunch with another cancer buddy and she explained how cancer never enters her head. It has gone and that's it; she is getting on with life.  I felt weak and I admired her strength.

The third moment came when my GP rang to say the oncologist had answered his questions about reducing tamoxifen and that I really should be on the 20mg, and possibly more, to benefit; plus a whole lot of other medical terminology that I am still trying to understand.

One thing that he clarified was my misunderstanding that if I didn't take tamoxifen, my 5 year life span decreased by 30%.  This I had wrong.  If I didn't do all three treatments - chemo, radiation and meds - that would bring my life span down 30%. I have done two and doing the third which could give me only about 5% less.  So basically I have a 50% survival over next five years.  And that was all good, but again, I felt like I had been hit in the solar plexus.  I had had such a good week with energy and work, that telling me I should be on 20mg got me right pissed off.

The fourth moment was in the health shop and being told to take all the negative thinking away., don't even thing negative.  Now I know I am a positive person and I am also a realist, and if I choose to wear my emotions on my sleeve, then so be it.  I resent being told that if I have a negative thought and cancer comes back, this implies I didn't try hard enough.  That will really piss me off.  I ask that you choose your words and intentions carefully when talking about positivity to cancer patients.

A good thing from the health shop was that I have been taking the wrong type of magnesium for my leg cramps.  I was using Bio Magnesium but it has oxide in it, and I needed a different form with B6 and Vitamin C and the magnesium.  I never knew you could get different magnesium for different cramps, so trying a new brand.

Another good thing too is that I am sharing my experiences with a 'newbie' in the cancer journey and it has me looking at my journal I kept (and still do), and this has brought light to my day.  Reading about 2014 (I had attached photos too) just reminded me of the people I have met along the way who have supported Wayne and I, and that kindness from others has been beautiful to experience.  In fact today I was offered financial support from a small group of women who help cancer patients with  expenses if needed.  Generosity abounds in my life for sure.