Round 7

13/07/2014

Tuesday arrived and what a foggy ride over. We arrived at the chemo unit for our 9.30 appointment. There are 12 chairs which get filled up pretty quick from 9.30 onwards. The seeing eye dog Alvin, black Labrador, arrived with his owner. Alvin is always a great distraction.

When I arrive each time I am given a clipboard with a list of symptoms I have experienced since the last chemo like nausea, dizziness, constipation, ulcers, depression, etc. I manage to only tick a couple because my run has been pretty smooth. The sex issue (last blog) was discussed and apparently because we are so open and honest, they are going to do some more research on what we experienced! Goodness, mind boggles!

I did mention to Rachel that I had had pains along the centre breastbone and was breathless. It was decided that it could be my portacath so a surgeon was called up to check out. A lovely young woman arrived. Wayne expressed his 'concern' that she didn't look old enough. She promptly told him she started studying at aged 19, studying for six years, had a baby and was now 27. 

Anyway she had a look, decided she needed to talk to a senior and came back with the decision that the portacath had moved. It should be shaped like a volcano and mine was like a flat coin, so she would try and manipulate it. She did so successfully and so we were only held up by half an hour. The process went quickly as we were having so much laughter and antics between the nurses and Wayne that it just sped by. 

Wayne decided he was going to take my to Wendy's for lunch as I has never been. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special...

Home to bed for two days then back to work one day on a high and then collapse again Friday. Chemo sure has its way of not knowing which way is up sometimes. The bed and couch have been my constant for the last few days, and let's not forget Hugo's feline company.

This chemo to date I am experiencing dizziness (the world spins like I have never experienced. It doesn't spin once or twice, more like six times), breathlessness and ovary pain. Not sure why the ovary pain but if chemo brings on early menopause, could be related. Feeling the weight going on (3kg so far) but not surprising when Chocolate milk has been the craving this week (SOS to Wayne to bring some home at 10pm).

I'm feeling a bit morose and sad - why, when I only have 3 - yes 3, people - to go. I guess it is just the hormones going crazy again. This week's chemo is coming around so quick and then it will be 2! I'm nearly there.

I have started looking at the radiation aspect coming up about 8th September and decisions to make. My surgeon does not want me to have radiation to my under arm where the lymph nodes have been taken as I will 100% end up with lymphedema.

Lymphedema is caused by a blockage in your lymphatic system, an important part of your immune and circulatory systems. The blockage prevents lymph fluid from draining well, and as the fluid builds up, the swelling continues. Lymphedema is most commonly caused by the removal of or damage to your lymph nodes as a part of cancer treatment. There's no cure for lymphedema, but it can be controlled. Controlling lymphedema involves diligent care of your affected limb.

The surgeon has written to the radiation unit expressing he has got all the cancer out from that area. I'm assuming they are still going to want to press on and radiate anyway. And if he has got all the cancer out I ask, why radiate the location where t

he cancer lump was when he got all the margins there too. Anyway, another bridge to cross but it is playing on my mind.

I am getting a nice little carpet of hair appearing. Still undecided what colour it is going to come back as.

Time to think about wigs

09/03/2014

Been a tougher week I feel for me. I'm sure some of those close to me may have picked that up.  It's the trivial things I now hear around me that I don't have a lot of empathy or patience for, and I am expressing this quite openly and perhaps not so gentle as I should.

Monday I began to spiral and really the week didn't improve much. Had nothing to do with anyone or anything, just me and where I allowed my mind to take me.

I recovered from the Monday spiral (earlier post) to excitement on Tuesday with the wigs arriving. I shared the options around my workplace to much laughter and many opinions and on Facebook to so much positive feedback. Personally, I have flip-flopped between wigs and it has nothing to do with the styles.

Most of you commented on which one you definitely liked Wayne in though and he is loving the rock n roll look - in your dreams my darling!

As I had the wigs for a few days to decide which one I liked, I tried wearing them about home. Each time I put one on I looked in the mirror and thought "This isn't me". I felt like I was about to go on stage for a part I didn't volunteer for. How the hell was this happening to me. I even thought I would try wearing one out to see if I could "carry it off" but I couldn't even walk out the door with it on my head.

This was not me staring back in the mirror. So - who am I?

I remember going through a similar emotion when my son Luke left home for boarding school and got married to Christine. If I wasn't carrying out the mothering role who was I. So similarly, if I'm not "Andrea with the hair", who am I? Time will tell no doubt.

Wednesday I cancelled dinner out with my cousin because I just felt exhausted. My lymph node left arm was sore.  (13 of 29 lymph nodes were cancerous and removed). It had been pretty cold and I eventually decided that had a part to play. Early night and some Panadol helped.

I went to my friends for dinner Thursday and before long I was giving them a bollocking over the importance they were placing on eradicating dust and doing housekeeping. And just as quickly I erupted into tears. Thankfully they enveloped me in a group hug. I mean, what the hell am I on about!

I had two 'slow' mornings of going to work, ie. got up to no alarm clock. I was under the pump a bit, which I normally carry off with no problems and relish in, so nothing had changed in my mind. Just knuckle down and get on with it, woman. But by the end of those two days I was tired. It bothers me that my standard of output will probably deteriorate and I won't be able to provide the level of service I have delivered and my colleagues expect. I don't want to become a burden and stop them from doing the excellent work they do.

The end of the week has come and on reflection I am tired. Tired of thinking, tired of feeling, tired of smiling, tired of working out who I am and who I'm going to be after chemo starts. Funny how chemo is the big unknown. The look on people's faces (except Wayne's) and you can sense their fear for me. I still have no idea what to expect and in my innocence and denial, I don't think I want to know because I am going to find out first hand soon enough. I hope then that I can write and tell you what it's really like for me, but my understanding is it is different for everyone. My niece Naomi was treated with chemo and praised modern medicine. I hope to do likewise. Watch this space. I just hope it doesn't change me too much and that I end up grumpy...don't like grumpy.

It's going to be another big week with oncology consult on Monday and with a strong possibility of chemo commencing this week. I just hope this consult doesn't drop a bombshell like radiation consult did. I feel like my life pre cancer days are numbered.

I also realise that if I strip all this emotional turmoil back this week, I am grieving and it has snuck up on me.

But what a blessing to recognise it! I love labels and when I find a label I can process it and pop it away in its correct filing place. I love the power that gives me.

There are supposedly 5 stages of loss and grief:

• Denial & isolation ✔
• Anger ✔
• Bargaining
• Depression ✔
• Acceptance

So I have a few to go. I haven't started bargaining with God yet and I think acceptance will come through when I sit in that chemo chair. Who knows when these two stages will arrive but I'm sure they will.

I had the delight of meeting physically an internet buddy from the UK today. I belong to the 365 Project where I submit a photo every day to an on-line community around the world and they comment from a technical point of view or just a comment. Pat is from near Lancaster and she came out of her way on her NZ trip to meet me. Well we clicked instantly.

We embraced, we drank coffee, we laughed, we talked family, Catholicism, photography, life, death - absolute delight to meet this beautiful woman. And we made a promise to catch up next year.

I hesitated for a split second when I said that and wondered where I will be within this whole experience this time next year.