Holiday is over

A holiday has become a rarity in our household over the past 18 months.  Cancer took its hold and wouldn't let go.  It consumed me, taking my annual leave, sick leave and special leave, just so I could get through operations, chemo and radiation treatment, and fatigue.  I have been very fortunate to have such great support from my employer.

So with a bit of juggling I managed to get five days leave and last week we headed to Ohope Beach.  It was just what I needed to refresh.

The sea is my happy place.  It brings back great memories of family trips to the beach for holidays, usually the Coromandel Coast, or taking day trips so Dad could unwind with his fishing rod in the water at the weekends and us beach babes could sunbathe.

I love to put my feet in the water, but even better, to immerse myself.  The Catholic comes out in me with the "Washing away the sins of the world"...it's what I recall as I dive into the waves.  So it was with absolute joy that I got to have a swim and feel the salt water cleanse me.

Another water baby found me and came over for a chat

Each day had us waking with no set plans, just going with the flow.  So it would start off with us having coffee out, a walk on the beach, a little drive here and there, and dinner out. Lots of time to gaze at the beauty of the changeable sea and just breathe.

I nearly forgot how to "breathe".  When we arrived at our holiday destination, I immediately said to Wayne I wanted to go home, I didn't want to be there.  After some time and reflection on why I felt this way, I realised that I no longer liked surprises.  While I am at home in Taupo, while I am doing all the things I regularly do, then I am in control. I am safe.  I am craving my old normal, but that is long gone.

So with that out of the way, we began to enjoy and relax.  One week of beautiful sunshine, sea air, lazy lie-ins, afternoon ice creams, a wine or two, and having my best mate close beside me - a true tonic.

While there I bumped into a lady I was at the cancer lodge with a year ago and she just happened to be the local hairdresser.  So on a spur of the moment, I caved and gave in and had my hair coloured black.  Immediately after colouring my hair, she closed her salon and we went next door for an afternoon of bubbles in the garden bar.

The new hair colour

We organised a catch-up with another cancer lodger and so, of course, conversation naturally came around to how we were coping, living, enjoying life.

We talked about what we were doing to keep cancer at bay and how it was affecting our future.  We all held deep fears that we tried not to let surface too often, but could talk about it so openly with each other.

I have been asked if I have enjoyed the last two years of my life.  It is a thought provoking question.

When I look back I can honestly say I was happy in that I knew I was getting the right treatment, that everything possible was being done for me within the medical world.  I had tremendous support and I kept a good attitude - not always positive, that is too hard - but by keeping my life real, I think that helped me the most. I told people honestly what was going on with me and I believe by doing that, I could thrash out the negative stuff.  What's that saying "a problem shared is a problem halved", well may be that was the case for me.

I wasn't happy when I felt like crap but that is to be expected.  I never asked "Why me"?  but Wayne often said "What are we going to learn from this"?

I was also asked what did I do that helped me get through.  Well working was a big help for me.  From the outset I explained to my oncologist that I needed to work, and he said he would help me do that.  I worked 75% of the time during treatment and I was pleased with that.

The other thing I did was write a Facebook page updating friends and family in one go.  The feedback and support lifted my spirits on many a day.

I embraced kindness.  The biggest lesson I have learned on this journey is the kindness of others.  It is forever humbling the generosity and compassion we have received, and that is a legacy Wayne and I will never forget.

When the cancer recurred in February this year, I started ticking off some "bucket list" items.  I did three:  

went down the Waikato River on a rubber tube with my friends and colleagues; 

went skinny dipping with a cancer buddy, 

and was a passenger in a rally car through the Maramarua Forest.  

I'm sure I could have come up with more but as the cancer is in remission, I don't have to for now.

I have had two weeks off Tamoxifen thanks to my oncologist giving me the okay to do so.  The difference is like day and night.  I so don't want to go back on it but with stats going down to 30%, I have to really consider my reasoning for this.

I don't want to let my family and loved ones down by saying no more, but the quality of life is such that today I can quite easily forget I have had cancer and get on with life.  As soon as I go back on the drug, I will regress back into the side effects.  I have an appointment this week with my GP and we will talk to my oncologist and see if we can work this out together.

So a blissful two weeks off Tamoxifen and a blissful week with my darling husband.  He so needed this holiday as much as I did.  

We will return to my happy place.

For now, as I step out, I will renew my joy; I will feel secure outside of my current daily rituals that have kept me safe for the last 18 months, and start to embrace surprises again.