How to go from high to low in 24 hours. 'Gladys' my prosthesis was such a confidence booster on Thursday and I am thrilled to bits with how she is working out. I really felt I had turned a corner.
But I got a call on Friday to go to Rotorua for an oncology consult. I thought it was just to tell me about my change of meds and a repeat of what the surgeon had told me so wasn't worried. Unfortunately Wayne couldn't come with me so when I walked into the consult room to see Elaine, the chemo supervisor; an oncology registrar; and oncologist, Ian Kennedy, all looking pretty serious, I was on red alert.
Mr Kennedy proceeded to go through my cancer file from the lumpectomy in January 2014, explaining the purpose of the chemo regime, the results of MRIs, CT scans and the hormone treatment, right through to the mastectomy two weeks ago. In essence, he told me that the mastectomy was the last hope for a cure.
Due to the cancer coming back while I was receiving treatment, it is displaying invasive, aggressive cancer and it is saying "we don't need estrogen to survive, we can do it all ourselves". From this way forward, he informs me, it will be a case of controlling the cancer, not curing it, as that attempt has been done and dusted.
So they are going to monitor me closely with CT scans in 6 months but any niggle I have I am to get in contact straight away. He says I have a very very slim chance of the cancer not coming back and "when" it comes back, he said, not "if", it will probably be in the bones, liver or brain.
As you can appreciate, this has been a hard bit of news to take in. To say I am numb is an understatement, but I know I will process and work with this. I have great support with Luke and Christine now in town, and of course, Wayne, and my wonderful friends and colleagues.
I'm not dead yet, that I know, and I refuse to wallow, but please bear with me as I learn how to live again. I have had tears a plenty, and lots of looking into open space, trying to figure out how to be brave and go forward. It's a tough ask and as time goes on and if cancer decides to stay dormant for months, then I will learn to relax again. I am strong in my faith, I know God will not forsake me whatever comes along. It is my loved ones I feel for at this time, so please, give them a hug and remember their pain and concern as they support me.
I'm back to work tomorrow for a few hours a day as I build up again. I am still recovering from chemo residue, radiation residue, two general anaesthetics and an amputation of the breast, let alone the emotional and mental state - good grief, it's a wonder I am smiling when even I read what I have typed.
And so life goes on - some good news is I had a great-niece born to my niece Julia and husband Peter yesterday. Photos show Emma Rose is just beautiful.
I would really love it if we could all remember to love our loved ones that much more and be generous with those hugs.
Until next time...
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