It's important on this cancer road for me to process what I have been told by the medical people about my future prognosis and how to make it fit into my life today to somewhere I am comfortable with and to keep moving forward. It's not an easy process and I don't know if this is just the way I deal with it or if others with cancer have done the same. But for me it is a process.
When I was sitting in the consult room and they were telling me the good and the not so good, I came away feeling like I had all this information about myself but couldn't quite believe they were talking about me. I have found it is much better to go to a consult with another person because once I have got fixated on a bad piece of news, I tend to only pick up snippets of the rest of the consult. Thankfully I haven't had to do this alone many times.
I then had to pass this information on to loved ones, without being the bearer of doom and gloom, but of hope and possibilities.
I then told my Facebook friends. The feedback was overwhelming and uplifting to say the least. As I have said before, writing is cathartic for me, and it is with every good intention that I will be able to enlighten others to the realities of an experience with cancer; others won't have the same thoughts or experience, and that is why I stress this is just my take on this whole drama that has unfolded over the last 15 months - yes, 15 months. I'm can't believe that this has consumed us for that long.
And it is a drama; the body psychologically and chemically waits for the next diagnosis and it goes into overdrive with adrenalin in how to deal with it, sometimes making the picture worse than what it is; sometimes not understanding that it is actually worse than what it is.
While I was at the beach, I had time to think and process. Some would say keep busy, then you don't think, and that has worked in the past, but right now I'm physically tired; I don't have the 'get up and go' to busy myself through this.
What I now realise is I am feeling intense internal pressure. My head feels like it wants to burst. So instead of downing another Panadol, I tried to work out what was going on and instead I drew a mind map and came up with this list. I must add no one has put this pressure on me, but myself. For example:
I feel pressured to stay alive
I feel pressured to be a wife/lover
I feel pressured to be the mum who is always there to nurture
I feel pressured to protect my loved ones around me
I feel pressured to be at work and perform to my high standard
I feel pressured to eat right
I feel pressured to provide comfort
I feel pressured to put on a brave face and keep on smiling come what may
If I don't, I will have failed and failing is not good. I have failed before and have not enjoyed the fallout.
Of course, no one wants to see my mask when it drops to the floor. No one else wants to hear me cry uncontrollably in my husband's arms at 3am. No one wants to recognise the anguish I have in the pit of my stomach. Well, I know God does and yes, spiritually I have to keep coming back to His grace, His promise, His will.
But mentally, physically and emotionally, I don't know how to release the pressure valve. I don't know how to drop the mask to the outside world for fear that if I do I will curl up in the corner and be a mental wreck.
Thank goodness I have Wayne who has known anguish and pain and pressure, and who has amazing empathy for my mental state.
The Cancer Society provides counselling as part of treatment and I'm guessing after reading this you will say "Lady, you need counselling".
So I have written this blog to enlighten about the mental struggle that goes on within. I have had the latest operation in a last hope of getting rid of the cancer, but with the knowledge of 'when' not 'if' it comes back, I am scared and frightened and confused.
If I could have stayed at the beach and never come back, I would have been content. There, I placed no pressures on myself...I could just 'be'. How do I learn to do that back in the real world in Taupo? With counselling? Medication? Lean on my faith more? Drink more wine? Shut down emotionally? Keep on hiding it from everyone?
It's a big question...
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