Okay so I've been quiet on the blog front lately. That's because you won't like where my head is at the moment. I don't either but I have to learn to live with it and make some sense of it.
Since chemo 10 days ago I have cried every day. I realise that
So as I sat here on the couch every night for the last 10 days contemplating what next, I suddenly had this overwhelming urge last night - I wanted to see my nieces - Sarah Hemsley Naomi McRae Miriam Tuck Hannah Hemsley, Justine Harwood Rebecca Patel Julia Osborne.
It is interesting to read on Facebook the love they are now sharing and showing for their siblings children and I wonder do they remember my love I had for them as youngsters.
I remember being there to share kindy, school, events. I have a video of Miriam dancing as a 5 year old at my wedding. Will she get to show that to her daughter Eden one day. Bren is into soccer and scoring goals (like Luke did) - a little star, Mila has her girlie fashion sense going on, Lachie, so cheeky and gorgeous, Owen - just starting out in life, Cameron - sure to be our surfie dude.
Do they remember the family dinners, Christmases, gatherings, Pops and his murphys (potatoes), the laughter and the playing of swingball and badminton out in the backyard. Nana's amazing love for them. Going to school functions, kindy, ballet practice...do they remember any of this with Aunty Andy? I hope so because this has kept me going this week.
I do feel alone and isolated and part of that is my doing. Normal isn't my normal anymore. Others lives go on but mine has taken a different course and I am pushing people away because I know you can only hear it all for a certain time period.
"You'll be fine" is wearing thin. "How do you know that" I scream from deep inside. "Stay positive" - you can only do it for so long and then what?
I know God is with me, I have no doubt, I am not alone spiritually in any of this. I have amazing loyal consistent prayer warriors praying daily for me.
But I'm scared, frightened, overwhelmed and pissed off that this is happening and I have no control over anything anymore - zilch, zero, nothing.
This week a friend asked "What do you need from us"? I have thought long and hard and I have still no idea today but it is a true and honest question.
I told you it wasn't going to be a happy post. But it's out there now. This is where I am at and maybe now you will understand a little of why I am distant, removed, lost in thoughts and tears and just generally over it.
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| Midnight munchies |
Since chemo 10 days ago I have cried every day. I realise that
- I am tired of being tired
- I am sad
- I am questioning the 'why' and 'what's the point'
- I am tired of being positive and putting on the stiff upper lip
- I want to give up
- I want to get in the car and drive forever
- Wayne and Luke and Christine will have financial issues sorted for a few years
- Wayne can give up BP and play/teach guitar again
- I have done what I wanted to do in my life - been a valuable employee, had some great jobs and my dream job
- Met beautiful interesting people - and a few crazies on the way
- I have raised our son to be a kind, compassionate, caring and loving man who has married a wonderful beautiful intelligent woman
- I have travelled and basically led a pretty fun filled life
- I have made a difference in some people's lives whether they are aware of it or not
It is interesting to read on Facebook the love they are now sharing and showing for their siblings children and I wonder do they remember my love I had for them as youngsters.
I remember being there to share kindy, school, events. I have a video of Miriam dancing as a 5 year old at my wedding. Will she get to show that to her daughter Eden one day. Bren is into soccer and scoring goals (like Luke did) - a little star, Mila has her girlie fashion sense going on, Lachie, so cheeky and gorgeous, Owen - just starting out in life, Cameron - sure to be our surfie dude.
Do they remember the family dinners, Christmases, gatherings, Pops and his murphys (potatoes), the laughter and the playing of swingball and badminton out in the backyard. Nana's amazing love for them. Going to school functions, kindy, ballet practice...do they remember any of this with Aunty Andy? I hope so because this has kept me going this week.
I do feel alone and isolated and part of that is my doing. Normal isn't my normal anymore. Others lives go on but mine has taken a different course and I am pushing people away because I know you can only hear it all for a certain time period.
"You'll be fine" is wearing thin. "How do you know that" I scream from deep inside. "Stay positive" - you can only do it for so long and then what?
I know God is with me, I have no doubt, I am not alone spiritually in any of this. I have amazing loyal consistent prayer warriors praying daily for me.
But I'm scared, frightened, overwhelmed and pissed off that this is happening and I have no control over anything anymore - zilch, zero, nothing.
This week a friend asked "What do you need from us"? I have thought long and hard and I have still no idea today but it is a true and honest question.
I told you it wasn't going to be a happy post. But it's out there now. This is where I am at and maybe now you will understand a little of why I am distant, removed, lost in thoughts and tears and just generally over it.
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