It's time to start writing

01/03/2014

I woke this morning to realise it is now two months since being diagnosed with breast cancer. The first few days I was in total shock and felt like Wayne and my world were shattered. My last three years back in Taupo have been full of contentment, peace, joy and fulfilment and I was loving this life.

I found a lump while showering and on New Year's Eve, I was diagnosed with breast cancer.

What ensued was multiple appointments with a surgeon in Rotorua, then to hospital for a left breast lumpectomy followed by two weeks off and then back to work.

The operation was the easy part.  I healed well and fast. It was what was to follow that rattled my cage.

After tears, disbelief and realising my own mortality, I got my head around it. I was Stage 2 and in my mind, I was on the right side of the four cancer stages. So I embraced with confidence the road ahead. I leaned into God and honoured His scripture 'Be still and know that I am God'. I rallied my prayer warriors and positivity friends.

Can I say right here that my friends, colleagues and family have been overwhelming. I have felt over these last two months the depth of friendship and love beyond measure. Wayne and I have been truly humbled.

Whenever I had a scheduled appointment I have text my friends and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. They came through in abundance. I was never alone and feeling sorry for myself.

My police work colleagues entertained me with their sick humour and I joined in. Laughter is so good for the soul.

I started a Memory Box.  I was being so overwhelmed with love and support, cards and gifts; I wanted to remember all this in times of worry.  

I also had a plaster cast mould made of my breasts before I had my operation and a friend painted artwork on it that was relevant to my life's loves, like the waves of the sea, a rose, a cross and 'aroha'.

Once again, due to the calmness and safety I felt, I was being loved unconditionally. I felt like all the things I had been embarrassed about that I had done in my life, had been judged for and had disappointed family and friends, were all forgiven, and now I was seeing how I really am perceived in the world. I work hard. I love my job. I try to be kind and give where I can. And in return people were saying "thank you for being you". What you see is what you get.

I headed back to work and was so happy to be normal again. Long may it last, well at least a month I thought. But alas no, appointments started to fill up the diary pretty quick.

So this week I thought I had a straight forward appointment with Radiation Oncology. To my knowledge they were just going to tell me how they were going to radiate my breast in 7 months time. And for the first time, I didn't text my friends and ask for prayer and positive thoughts (though I'm sure many were thinking of me unbeknown to me). But I was given (on Facebook) a quote for the day 'Be Still - I've got this - God' and I thought "that's nice", not realising I would lean on this a few hours later. 

Waiting in Radiation Oncology before
receiving the changed diagnosis

So I went in a bit cocky I guess, like 'this'll be a walk in the park'. So it was a shock to be told the goal posts had changed. I am now Stage 3c and that is on the "other side" of okay to me.

To say Wayne and I were shell shocked again puts it mildly. My first thought on coming out of the appointment was "I want to see Mum". And so we drove home to Matamata and I fell into the arms of my loving, comforting, beautiful mother. At 85 I am still her baby.  My sister Jan arrived and we sobbed uncontrollably together with once again our mother lovingly embracing her babies. She fed us, made us cups of tea and cried with us.

I asked my daughter-in-law Christine to tell Luke. I couldn't. All I could think was "Wayne and Luke don't deserve this, they shouldn't have to go through this because of me". I don't want them to be sad. Thank goodness Luke has a wonderful wife, a woman of God, in his life to share his journey with.

I went back to work the next day gutted and worn down. I was angry, not at God, just over something I had no control over. Thankfully Wayne sensed this and the next thing I know I am being bundled home and put to bed.

Four hours later and I awoke with a whole new vision. I had had quiet time to process, to pray, to walk the neighbour's dog and watch the sunset. I suddenly grabbed life again with heart and both hands.

I googled and began to grasp the seriousness of this new diagnosis. Menopause and hormones have me in their grasp and what will keep me alive from a medical perspective is chemo, radiation and five years of medication. 63% of women with my diagnosis survive those five years. Numbers and statistics tell me something but they don't define me. I have never been good at maths.

I have my faith. That is my strength. I have been shown so many times in a practical way God's love and faithfulness to me over the last 22 years. I know I will see from time to time one set of footprints in the sand and I have confidence that that is God carrying me.

So yesterday morning I pulled back the curtain and the most beautiful sunrise was climbing up behind Mt Tauhara. And I said to myself "that's why I'm alive, to appreciate, to share, to embrace, to love, to give joy and to fight on".

So today I take on the challenge again with a new set of emotions and feelings, a new armour, a new appreciation and a heart brimming with thankfulness.

i was brought up in ,Hobbiton, New Zealand, well Matamata actually.
Here we are after my diagnosis changed having some light relief